Matchmaking for Dummies
by welshie
Summary: Cuddy hatches a plan to bring House and Wilson together. House/Wilson.
1. Revelation

Title: Matchmaking for Dummies

Disclaimer: House and Wilson don't belong to me because they belong to each other! This fic also has nothing to do with the "…for Dummies" series of books, I just wanted to use it as a title.

Summary: Cuddy hatches a plan to bring House and Wilson together.

A/N: The entire fic is told from Cuddy's point of view.

Any comments or reviews will be gratefully received. Thanks!

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Chapter 1: Revelation

I've lost count of the number of times I've glanced at the clock on my desk. Even though it is Friday afternoon, time is going at an excruciatingly slow pace. Reading through a research grant proposal makes each minute pass with glacial speed. Instead of actually studying the proposal, I debate whether to take it home with me to finish reading it there tonight or come into work tomorrow for a few hours.

My procrastination is fantastically cut short when I look up to see Wilson rushing into my office, his white coat flying behind him like Superman's cape. He does his hands on hips pose and I'm actually looking forward to whatever crisis has just unfolded.

"I love House!" Wilson exclaims breathlessly. His face is bright red from either running to my office or he is in fact highly embarrassed about the confession. I try not to roll my eyes. Of course he loves House. It would be strange if he didn't after all they've been through together. Wilson seems to be annoyed by my lack of a suitable reaction.

"I'm _in_ love with House!" He amends, speaking slowly as if I don't understand English. He shakes his head in disbelief. This time I am surprised, not that he is in love with House, but because it has taken him so long to realise that fact. I stop myself from asking for all the juicy details. I don't think he'd appreciate my insensitivity at the moment. I stand up and walk over to him, indescribably glad to be freed from the torture that is the grant proposal from hell.

"Let's go get some coffee." I gently suggest. Wilson looks like he needs something much stronger than coffee, but neither of us can leave the hospital to get blind drunk at the nearest bar, so the cafeteria will have to do.

Wilson sits down at a corner table and keeps his gaze fixed on the exit. I think he's waiting for House to make an appearance. It is amazing sometimes how House can magically turn up at the mere mention of his name. I can only assume he's bugged all of Wilson's ties. House is more than capable of doing something like that.

I get the coffees and join Wilson. He has his head in his hands and seems completely miserable. He's seen what happens when you fall in love with House. It never ends well.

"So when did you realise?" I ask softly.

"Today. This afternoon." He chuckles morosely. "We were killing time trying to work out who knew the worst joke." Wilson looks up and remembering that I am his boss, quickly adds, "I was between appointments and House was waiting for test results."

"And then?" I prompt, trying not to sound too impatient.

"I told him a dumb joke, you know the kind that are so bad they're funny? Anyway House laughed." Wilson smiled at the memory and then sat back in his seat as if that was a perfectly reasonable explanation for his epiphany.

"But you two always act like teenagers when you're around each other. Why was it different this time?" I enquire, even though I do know falling in love sometimes doesn't make sense. The tiniest, simplest moment that seems silly or insignificant can become revelatory.

"I can't remember the last time he smiled at me like that. It made me feel really good." Wilson whispers as he glances around the cafeteria.

"So what are you going to do?" There is no point dancing around the issue and I can tell Wilson needs a push in the right direction.

"What?" He stares at me in confusion and this time I do roll my eyes.

"When are you going to tell House?" I continue.

"No way!" He yelps and practically jumps out of the chair. "I'm not going to tell him anything."

"You can't hide this from him forever." House is not a stupid man. He can sense the smallest change in Wilson's mood and he'll find out what Wilson is hiding from him in record time.

"He'll freak out or he'll mock me for it for the rest of my life. I don't exactly think either outcome will be good for me." Wilson looks depressed all over again.

Unrequited love is no fun at all. I reach over and pat Wilson's hand in sympathy. I then have the image in my head of House finding us here and ordering me to get my hands off Wilson as I'll never be his fourth wife. House's jealousy is a funny thing where Wilson is concerned.

Suddenly an idea forms in my mind. It is so simple, ridiculous even, but that is why it'll work.

"It'll be okay, I promise." For once they're not just empty words. All I need to do is spend time with Wilson and House will jump to the wrong conclusion and with a little push from me, hopefully he will examine his own feelings in the process.

tbc


	2. Machination

A/N: I am planning to have 5 chapters for this fic.

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Chapter 2: Machination

I set up a meeting for Monday lunchtime with Wilson to review the equipment budget for his department. I do need to discuss the budget with him, but I can also start phase one of my plan at the same time. And it so just happens that House is scheduled to do his Clinic hours. One of the advantages of being the Dean of Medicine is that I can make any necessary changes to the Clinic duty rota. I told House that Dr. Lane had food poisoning so he couldn't make it to work this morning. House has an intense dislike of Dr. Lane, so he found that particular piece of information quite funny and said he would gladly cover Dr. Lane's shift. I failed to tell him that Dr. Lane is actually on vacation and probably sitting on a beach somewhere.

House has been in the Clinic for nearly an hour when Wilson walks into my office with his budget report and various other folders in his arms. I deliberately choose to sit on the couch to guarantee that House will see us sitting together. I steal a glance in the direction of the Clinic desk. I have to cover my smug grin with my hand after I spot House standing there, pretending to read a patient file, but of course he is really spying on us.

Just to make absolutely sure, I lean across the table to point out a set of figures, but from a distance it could seem as if it's just an excuse to get even closer to Wilson. It must look very cosy! House predictably has had enough of the show and abandons his stakeout position. He storms in to my office ordering me to stop hogging Wilson's precious lunchtime.

"Cuddy, it'll be entirely your fault if I starve to death!" House exclaims melodramatically as he points his cane at me in an accusing manner. I ignore his apparent inability to buy his own meals and smile sweetly at him.

"The rest of this can wait until tomorrow." I say to Wilson as I begin to arrange the files in a neat stack.

"Oh, okay." Wilson is surprised that I am giving into House's demands so easily. "I have some time free tomorrow afternoon after I see my patients." He adds, still in work mode. I notice House frowning at Wilson in disappointment. House quickly looks away when Wilson spots the expression on his face. I wonder how Wilson can be so clueless and why House never examines his own behaviour in regard to Wilson. It is so obvious, even a child could work it out.

"Still dying of hunger here!" House announces, clearly hoping to end the conversation.

"Wilson, make sure House comes back after lunch to finish his Clinic hours." House sighs in annoyance. But as his mission has been accomplished, House turns around and heads out of the office.

Wilson then helps me collect the rest of the files together. I wait until the door closes shut before I say, "Wilson, if you need to talk about…the situation between you and House, I'm here. Anytime." I whisper even though I know House can't hear me speak.

"Thanks Cuddy, but I'll be okay. I've had the weekend to think about it. It's fine, I can handle it." I can't believe Wilson is back in denial already. Being in love apparently makes him into an idiot. I shrug my shoulders and Wilson nods a goodbye and joins an impatient House for lunch. House glares at me as a parting shot which only makes me smile. The plan is starting to work.

tbc


	3. Manipulation

Chapter 3: Manipulation

As agreed, I meet with Wilson again to finish discussing the remaining budget issues. It's late when we eventually resolve how to get an increase in the budget allocation. Wilson sits back in his chair, smiling in victory. It's nice to see him more relaxed even if only for a little while. I know his good mood won't last long. He seems to be permanently stressed lately. I'm sure worrying about House finding out how he really feels for him is the cause. Suddenly my stomach rumbles loudly and I look down at my watch and see it has just gone 7pm.

"I missed lunch." I quickly explain as I look away in embarrassment. I tell myself that I'm only being slightly economical with the truth. I had just enough time to eat half a sandwich between meetings. The small lie is worth it as he takes the bait. Wilson, ever the gentleman offers to take me to dinner.

"There's a French restaurant I wanted to try, but House refuses to go with me. He says it's too fancy for him!" I know it's an excuse, but I'm grateful for the offer. I don't often have the free time to have dinner with friends. It also serves to further my plan. He calls the restaurant to sweet-talk them into letting us make a last minute reservation while I gather my purse and coat.

I volunteered to drive the short distance to the restaurant which is as fancy as Wilson assured me it would be. It is the kind of place Wilson would take a date. He could show off his ability to understand all the French on the menu. Of course that little trick would never impress House. He'd probably make fun of Wilson and fool the waitress into thinking that he doesn't speak English simply to see Wilson's reaction. House and Wilson don't realise how lucky they are. They don't have to pretend to be someone they aren't with each other.

We have barely started our main course when Wilson's cell phone rings. I don't need to be psychic to know House is calling him even before Wilson fishes out his cell phone from his coat pocket.

"Sorry." Wilson says pre-emptively before he answers the call. "Dinner with Cuddy." He explains to House. I hear a few sharp words from across the table and Wilson winces in response.

I motion to Wilson to hand his cell phone to me and he shrugs apologetically. I couldn't have planned it better if I'd tried. House's possessiveness definitely works to my advantage in this instance. I doubt House will believe me, whatever I say. I take a deep breath and begin to speak so House doesn't get a chance to start yelling at me.

"Yes House, just dinner. Don't worry, we're eating lots of garlic and raw onions. You can have Wilson back soon. We'll be another hour at most, I promise." I then hand the phone back to Wilson.

"Cuddy!" Wilson admonishes before he finishes his conversation with House. He reiterates what I've just said before he puts his phone away.

"There's a reason why he overreacts when you try to date anyone. You should tell him, Wilson."

He looks hopeful for a few seconds as he entertains the idea of letting House know the truth. His face then falls when he shakes his head.

It makes me even more determined to help Wilson and show House what he is missing.


	4. Equivocation

A/N: I did think that this story would be five chapters long, but it will be six chapters now.

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Chapter 4: Equivocation

I wait for House in his office the next morning. I know on a good day, he usually wanders in to work about 10am. I occupy myself by sitting in his chair and examining the wide array of useless stuff on his desk. I don't know how he can think about the case he's working on when there are so many things to distract him in his office. I grab one of the many journals that are perched precariously on the edge of the desk and start to doodle on the back of it. I'm tempted to draw a big heart with _House + Wilson_ written inside it and leave it in full view. House won't be able to ignore that. Unfortunately he enters the room at that moment. He doesn't seem too surprised to see me. He dumps his bag on the floor and wordlessly orders me away from his desk, pointing to the empty seat in the far corner of the office. I choose to remain standing.

"What are you doing here?" He asks me as he takes off his coat and settles down in his chair.

"I only had dinner with Wilson last night." I can't afford to give House any sign that I am trying to play him so I look down at my watch and sigh as if I don't have time to listen to him rant at me about the injustice of stealing his best friend from him.

"I know." He says gruffly. He turns his chair to his computer monitor and pretends to be busy checking his e-mail, but I know he is carefully observing me and analysing my words.

"But you don't want me to date him?" I notice the word date has the desired effect and House abandons his computer screen to look up at me.

"I didn't say that." House responds, defensively.

"He's lonely, House. He usually has a wife or a girlfriend. But he's been single for a while now." I state.

The worry in House's expressive blue eyes makes me think that perhaps he had hoped Wilson would remain single for the foreseeable future. The fact that I'm not some random woman Wilson met, but a friend Wilson has known for years must give him concern that it could have the potential to become a serious long-lasting relationship. But he is being cautious, not pushing and retaliating too much. He is far more anxious about this than I first realised. I feel the first pang of guilt since I started my ridiculous plan. It's too late though. I'm not going to risk messing it up by telling House the truth so soon.

"So you're only dating him out of pity?" House retorts. He is staring at me now, challenging me to confess what I feel for Wilson.

"No. He's bright, handsome, caring. Those are very attractive qualities." I keep my tone of voice light to not give anything away.

"Manipulative, self-righteous and patronising are more appropriate descriptors for Jimmy Wilson." House scoffs, but I can hear affection and an easy familiarity mixed in as well.

"And interesting, complicated and funny." House's silence means that he agrees with me. "He'll always be your best friend…whatever happens." I say before leaving the office. I turn my head as I walk through the doorway and see House deep in thought, his hands holding onto the handle of his cane. I smile to myself, pleased that the seeds have been sown.


	5. Transition

Chapter 5: Transition

I expect House to reach his grand realisation, but instead there is only brooding silence. I find out that House and Wilson are using their tried and trusted coping mechanism; blaming their workloads as an excuse to avoid each other. I go over the last conversation I had with House in my mind and begin to wonder if House has actually conceded defeat and lost all hope. Perhaps House thinks that Wilson is too good-looking and charming to choose him over any woman. The saying desperate times calls for desperate measures springs to mind. I've wasted time being too subtle. Even though House and Wilson are extremely intelligent, they can't see what is glaringly obvious to the rest of the world; they love each other. Fortunately for them, I have a back up plan.

One quick conversation with Wilson is enough to make sure that he will go to House's apartment Friday evening. Even if they are mad at each other, Wilson still takes part in their weekly ritual of watching an incredibly bad movie, drinking copious amounts of beer and eating deeply unhealthy takeout. I think it is Wilson's way of checking up on House. Caring for him without showing it in an obvious way. And of course House would never admit it to me, but he really enjoys Wilson's company. Besides I'm relying on the fact that House never turns away a free meal and alcohol.

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I arrive at House's apartment building at 8pm. I look down the street and spot that Wilson's car is parked at the end of the block. It's all going to plan so far. I'm guessing that they will have eaten their meal by now and will be making good progress on the beer. I stand in front of House's front door and search for the compact that is hiding somewhere in my purse. I need the mirror so that I can make a few changes to my appearance. The first thing I do is rub my eyes so that my mascara smudges, causing black circles to form around them. I then wipe most of my lipstick off with the back of my hand which leaves a pale pink stain on my lips. Finally I grab my tube of clear lipgloss from my coat pocket and use it to create shiny trails from the corner of my eyes down to my cheeks. I hope it seems as if I've been crying. I return the mirror to my purse once I am satisfied with how I look. It's time to see if my acting skills are good enough to fool both House and Wilson.

I slap the palm of my left hand against House's apartment door repeatedly until I hear footsteps. I can tell that Wilson is going to answer the door as there isn't an accompanying tap of a cane. As soon as the door opens I stride past him, barely registering the look of bewilderment on his face. I wait until Wilson closes the door and joins House who rises from his seat on the couch.

"I knew you'd be here! I knew it!" I exclaim as I turn to Wilson. I know I am perpetuating the stereotype of a hysterical woman who actually enjoys being a drama queen, but this is what I have been reduced to in order to force Wilson and House to confront their feelings for each other. It's stupid, but as long as it works, I don't care. House simply looks at me with confusion for a moment. He usually hates dealing with any display of emotion, but his mind finally clicks into action and he points accusingly at Wilson.

"I knew it!" House echoes. Poor Wilson has no idea what is going on. He shakes his head as he tries in vain to work out what we are blaming him for.

"I…I haven't done anything!" Wilson squeaks in indignation.

"You told me you weren't dating Cuddy! You lied to me, Wilson." House says. It is now House I feel sorry for. I can hear the hurt and disappointment in his voice.

"I'm not. I told you the truth House." Wilson says as he turns to face House.

"There's a reason why Wilson isn't interested in me or any other woman for that matter." I feel a little silly and wipe the sticky lipgloss off my cheeks. Wilson whips his head back to face me, silently imploring me not to say anything more. "And there's a reason why House doesn't want you to be with anyone else." I add.

I'm now the centre of attention as they both stare at me, incredulous. I really shouldn't have to spell it out now. I've said more than enough. They slowly turn towards each other. I can't see Wilson's expression, but I imagine it is the same as House's. House is trying his best to keep his face passive, intentionally blank, but his eyes reveal how terrified he is. Maybe the idea that his love for Wilson is actually reciprocated is what scares him. But Wilson is slowly inching towards House, even though his hands are trembling as he raises them up to reach out and touch his best friend. House is frozen to the spot, his cane held in a vice-like grip. I figure that one more push from me can't hurt.

"I'm not a delicate little flower. I won't pass out from shock if I see two guys make out." My comment finally raises House from his stunned state and a wicked grin flashes across his face. He lets his cane fall from his grasp to rest against the arm of the couch. He then grabs at Wilson's shirt, pulling him close. House cups Wilson's face in his hands and kisses him passionately. Wilson doesn't waste any more time and wraps his arms around House's waist as if he is determined to never let him go. My work here is done now so I make my way to the front door.

House must hear the door opening and he breaks away from Wilson's embrace. "Cuddy!" He calls out breathlessly. I turn to face him and there is a look of grudging admiration on his face. It is the closest I will ever get to an expression of gratitude from him, but as long as they are both happy or at least happier together, then my mission has been successfully accomplished.

"You're welcome!" I reply sincerely, as I close the door.

My smile stays on my face for the entire journey back home.

tbc


	6. Appreciation

A/N: This is the final chapter. Thanks for all the reviews- I had fun writing this daft little fic!

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Chapter 6: Appreciation

I stopped thinking of Saturdays as part of the weekend a long time ago. I actually like being in my office at the weekend. It's quieter with fewer staff around and I get more work done with no phone calls to make. I'm not planning to stay long today though. I just have to collect copies of the monthly departmental reports. I'm flying to Vancouver tonight for a conference and I'm planning to read the reports during the flight. I begin to reminisce about the last time I went to a conference in Vancouver. I met a really nice Canadian Haematologist who just happened to be gorgeous. I have very good memories of Vancouver!

My pleasant reverie is interrupted when I look up to see two figures outside my office. I don't believe my eyes. There is no reason why House and Wilson should be here at the hospital. It looks like they are arguing. Wilson is gesticulating wildly and I think House is just rolling his eyes in response. Eventually Wilson throws his arms up in the air in apparent defeat before he manhandles House into my office. The honeymoon period obviously didn't last very long!

For a moment I think that perhaps they've had a massive argument and they want me to act as their relationship counsellor. The phrase 'too much information' rushes through my mind and I can't prevent the shudder of unease that runs through me. Fortunately, House and Wilson don't seem ready to kill each other. House is clearly here against his will though, grumbling under his breath about being awake before midday on a weekend. Wilson simply smiles a greeting at me.

"Are you two okay?" I quickly ask. I need to steel myself if Wilson says he needs my advice.

"Yes, we're fine, great." Wilson shrugs his shoulders as if I've asked a strange question. I breathe a sigh of relief as Wilson walks towards my desk and sits down in the empty chair nearest to him. House scans my office and opts for the couch and lies down on it as if he wants to take a nap there. It's his way of protesting his presence I'm sure.

"Why are you here?"

"We wanted to catch you before your flight to…" Wilson trails off as he tries to rack his brain.

"Vancouver, you fool!" House calls out. He opens his eyes briefly, but only to retrieve his Vicodin bottle from his jacket pocket which had been digging into his side. He puts it down on the table in front of him before returning to his original position on the couch. Apparently Wilson's new coping mechanism is to ignore House's name-calling completely.

"Do you want to get some coffee?" Wilson asks me. We share a private smile as we both remember how just over a week ago I had suggested the same thing to him.

"That's sounds good." I reply.

"Finally!" House quickly sits up to make his way to the door, but he remembers to grab his Vicodin before he leaves the couch.

* * *

This time Wilson gets the coffee while I follow House across the hospital cafeteria to a table of his choosing. I don't know why he doesn't just pick the first table he sees. I have no idea what thought process is involved. I did once think that he probably does things like this on purpose, to create the perception of being an eccentric genius, but he really doesn't care what people think of him.

We sit in silence while we wait for Wilson to return. It gives me an opportunity to study House for a moment. He doesn't look different really. It's not as if he is glowing with happiness. But he does seem more relaxed, as if a weight has been lifted from his shoulders. He tolerates my scrutiny for only a few seconds before he twists his expression into a funny grimace. I retaliate by copying the face he makes. Wilson's arrival quickly puts an end to our juvenile behaviour, but it's good to see House smile warmly at Wilson as he sits down next to House.

"I wanted say thank you…" Wilson glances across at House before adding, "…for not listening to me." He then produces a small varnished wooden box from his pocket and slides it across the table towards me.

"Is this for me?" I ask in surprise. "You didn't have to."

I open the box to find a beautiful emerald cut amethyst pendant which is on a long gold chain. It's not my usual style of jewellery, but stunning nonetheless. It's obvious that Wilson chose the necklace, and that he has very good taste. I take the necklace out of the box so that I can put it on. House snickers like a twelve year boy when the pendant falls down my shirt and disappears into my cleavage.

"Thank you." I add as I look down to rescue the pendant.

From the corner of my eye, I catch how House can't stop his fingers skimming across the table to touch Wilson's hand. It really is too cute for words. But I won't mention it. I can't risk making House feel self-conscious; he will only fold his arms to keep his hands away from Wilson. Even though the expression on House's face is neutral, his eyes give away far too much. I don't want to spoil his good mood.

"So have your started to plan the wedding?" I ask, changing the subject away from myself. I am rewarded by the sight of both House and Wilson choking on their coffee.

"Cuddy!" Wilson exclaims when he stops coughing.

"Oh, that made my day!" I gleefully say after I've stopped giggling at them. I glance at my watch and remember that I was only planning to stay for a few minutes. I still have a few errands I need to run as well as packing my suitcase.

"As much fun it is to tease you both, I really have to go now." I pick up my half-full cup of coffee and the jewellery box as I get ready to leave.

"Just one question." House looks up at me. "How long did it take to cook up your little plan? Wilson said…"

"Wilson talked to me last Friday." I reply quickly. "I didn't tell him what I was up to." House shakes his head once and I soon realise what he is really asking. I shrug my shoulders and open my mouth to continue my answer, but Wilson begins to speak.

"Well, we'd be happy to return the favour anytime. In fact I have a friend in New York who's a Paediatric…"

"No! No, no. There's no need!" I manage to interject. The look of horror that must be on my face makes them laugh heartily. My scheme was nothing compared to what House could think up. He'd consider it as retribution for allowing himself to be manipulated by me.

"Thanks again, Lisa." I can hear the sincerity in Wilson's voice.

"It's clear you…_care_ for each other." I choose my words carefully, finally answering House's question. "But I just wanted to find a way to make you both realise how much."

My response seems to satisfy House as he looks away and I am surprised to see him blushing. I don't know if it is embarrassment over his overt jealousy or that the depth of his love for Wilson is now no longer a secret.

"I'll see you next week." I say as I stand up. I make my way to the cafeteria exit, turning around when I reach the door to take one last look at them. House has moved from his chair so that he is now sitting opposite Wilson. They are simply looking at each other and smiling with the same sappy, goofy grin. It is so adorably romantic that it makes me smile too.

I head back to my office to collect my purse and the reports and I think about how House and Wilson have renewed my hope that maybe I too will find the love of my life in the most unexpected way.

The end


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